5. Childhood memory

All I ever wanted as a kid was to be left alone.

I didn't get that.

Instead, I was taught, over and over again, that what I wanted didn't matter and that my discomfort was not something worth acting on. I was taught to take it.

This affected my adult relationships for many years, and I wasted my time on some really unworthy people. All because I was taught that love and obligation meant silently putting up with. I was deep into my 20s before I heard the word "boundaries." In time, it profoundly changed my life.

My brother was manipulative and clingy, and all I wanted was for him to leave me alone. For this, my mom regarded me as a bully (and still does, I think). If he'd left me alone, I wouldn't have ever lashed out. I took no pleasure in his pain or discomfort. I just wanted him to leave me alone. Whatever I did or said was a means to an end I couldn't achieve any other way - and still often didn't then.

Now we live on opposite sides of the country. To this day, my mom feels grief that her children are not friends - in fact, we talked about it this weekend, and I said I would no longer be participating in this particular conversation, not ever again.

I can't think of any better way to ensure that I don't want to be friends with someone than to let them antagonize me, unfettered, for 12 years.

I vowed to move far away. I did. It's done. Now I am left alone, and it's everything I ever thought it could be. Young me knew exactly what was up, and I just hope I did right by her. I got us out.