5. Childhood Memory

I was eight years old and it was winter.  We lived in a house that was old and very cold.  We had to block off all the rooms except the kitchen and living room with blankets.  There was no running water, no bathroom.  Just an outhouse that was in the back yard.  I got really really sick with something that made me very ill.  I don't know what it was but I felt very profoundly as though I was dying.  My mother didn't seek medical attention for me because it was inconvenient for her. She made sure I knew that my being ill was very irritating to her. She didn't want to clean up my puke and diarrhea anymore. Everything about me was an inconvenience anyway.  Illness simply made it worse.

One day during this sickness I remember stumbling outside and puking so she wouldn't have to clean it up.  I lay on the porch because I felt very very very tired. I realized I was too weak to move so I stayed where I was.  It was cold but what I remember was that the bitter cold air somehow became soothing.  The cold porch against my skin felt comfortable and loving.  I closed my eyes.  I don't know how long I was there but my mom found me eventually. She stood in the doorway and said "Why in the hell are you on the fucking porch?  What is wrong with you?  You are so stupid.  Go back inside and stop being so fucking stupid. God dammit, go on!!" and waited there for me to stand and stumble back inside.